I've gotten sick of trying to maintain several different blogs, so I'm consolidating. You can now find me at http://simplynurtured.blogspot.com - I will eventually be importing this blog to the new one (maybe), but regardless.. anything new will be at Simply Nurtured.

The first few weeks with a new baby are always a blur. My memories from when the big kids were newborns are more impressions than anything else, with a few crystal clear pictures thrown in. With Colwyn, I remember sitting in our bed, eating Boston Market for dinner. I remember watching baseball while he slept on my chest. When Lachlann was tiny, I remember the sweltering heat as I tried to keep from sweating all over him. I remember how long he looked when he was first born, and then how tiny he looked next to Colwyn. With Fiona, I remember lazy afternoons lying in bed, watching her sleep. I remember reaching down past her feet to hold Doug's hand as she lay in between us.

What will I remember about these early days with Niall? Will I remember the impossible exhaustion, or the impossibly sweet smell of his head? The pain of breastfeeding, or those impenetrable stares he gives me while he nurses? Will I remember wishing to get just a few moments to myself, or will I remember how high he scrunches up his little bum as he dozes on my chest? The way his whole face crinkles up when he cries, or how wide and clear his eyes are when he's happy? Those countless expressions that flicker across his face as he sleeps? How I used a Snuggie for my blanket because he slept in bed with us? Watching landscaping shows so often while he nursed, that Colwyn quickly learned the names of not only the shows, but the hosts as well? Will I look back and think of the tenderness in Lachlann's eyes when he leans in to watch Niall nurse? Will I still see the wonder and delight on Fiona's face when he reaches out and grabs her hand? When I think of my oldest son, will I still think of his pride when he helps me, and just melt?

Will I be able to remember the softness of Niall's cheek, the warm weight of him in my arms, his little coos and grunts and sniffles, his slow motion karate moves? Will I remember how completely delicious he is?

Niall Edward Raum was born on Friday, May 7th, at 11:08pm. He weighed 8 pounds even, was 19 inches long, and had a head and chest circumference of 14 inches. I was 41 weeks pregnant.

That Friday morning, I woke up at 5am with about six strong contractions in 20 minutes. They spaced out a little more after that quick burst, but they felt like the real deal, so I asked Doug to stay home. Over the course of the day, the contractions stayed really far apart, maybe 30-45 minutes in between them. They continued to get stronger, though, so I was hopeful that real labor would kick in soon. It seemed like he wasn't positioned quite right (my back was hurting), so I did a lot of lunges during contractions, and went up and down the stairs a bit. I tried using the shower to relieve the back pain, which by the afternoon was present even in between contractions, but I didn't have enough room to lunge, so that was a short-lived distraction.

Around 7pm, just as Doug and the kids were sitting down to pizza with Mom and Dad, the contractions picked up. I found that leaning on the white cabinet in our bathroom was the most comfortable, and by 8pm, I was really wishing Doug would hurry and get the kids in bed. I was starting to vocalize more, but still used my Hypnobabies cues. While Doug was doing bedtime, I decided to call Lauren (our midwife) because we were expecting another super fast birth like Fiona's, and wanted our midwife to actually be there this time. Around 8:45, I started feeling a little pushy, so Doug set up some towels and chux underneath me, and very shortly after that Lauren arrived. She had time to set up her necessities and check the baby's heartbeat before her assistant, Kim, showed up. We thought the baby would be born at any moment, so we woke up the kids (Lachlann decided to stay in bed, but Colwyn and Fiona got up). I had been coping pretty well with the contractions up until that point, moaning, swaying, and using my cues. But then it started to get really difficult. My hips started hurting unbearably, and even though I felt pushy on most contractions, I couldn't really move the baby down.

Lauren and Kim helped me try lots of different positions - the birth stool, the toilet, hands and knees on my bed, side-lying on my bed, standing and leaning on the bed and on the cabinet in the bathroom - nothing seemed to help. I was most comfortable on the toilet and birth stool, and side-lying was the worst. They also tried to get me to walk around a bit, but I could barely take two steps before a contraction would hit. As labor progressed, I totally lost confidence in myself. My hips and pelvis hurt more than I can say, and after having such easy, natural pushing stages with my first three labors, I couldn't figure out why the baby wasn't coming. I'm embarassed to admit that I whined quite a bit, and thought frequently about taking off to the hospital so I could get an epidural (the thoughts of the car ride and the wait for the necessary IV fluids were my deterrents). Fiona came in to check on me quite a bit, which was both a welcome distraction and a little annoying. Colwyn visited less frequently, but he made several comments that made me laugh. When I went into our bedroom, he very casually went and shut the playroom door.. when Mom asked him why, he said that he didn't want any blood to roll in there.

Finally around 10:30pm, I started feeling more pressure and put more effort into getting the baby on the move. I was on the birth stool at that point. Doug had gotten the kids back into bed a little while before, and Mom was still in the living room. When I felt him finally start crowning, I told Doug that Mom could come in, and she came in just in time to see his head being born. I managed to catch a glimpse in the mirror when it was halfway out, but it was too distracting trying to watch while pushing. There was a little pause while Lauren removed the amniotic sack from around his face (this is called being born in the caul) and unlooped the cord from around his neck, and then the rest of his body slipped out. I took off my shirt right then so I could hold him to my chest and we got all wrapped up in blankets and towels. I was so relieved that it was finally over, I was crying and thanking Lauren and Kim profusely.

Waiting for the placenta to come was a bit of a pain. My legs were shaking really bad and I was so uncomfortable sitting on the stool. I asked if the cord had stopped pulsing, hoping that we could cut it so I could hand the baby to Doug and stand up, but for some reason the midwives didn't want to do that. Doug woke the kids up (again, Lachlann opted to stay in bed) and they got to see their new baby brother just minutes after he was born. Finally I felt like the placenta was ready and it came out with a quick push. The birth was pretty bloodless, so I put on a bathrobe and waddled to bed. Dad and Kristine came upstairs and we all celebrated.

I've talked to Lauren a bit about why Niall's birth was so much harder for me. She thinks that instead of turning and wiggling past the various bony parts of my pelvis, he just wanted to come straight out, that when his head was born, instead of turning 90 degrees like it should, he just turned a little. She also suggested that maybe I did something to my hips during all that yardwork the week before, making it harder for my pelvis to let him through. It was just so difficult, after experiencing labor as natural, easy, fast, and instinctive, to have something completely different. After Fiona's birth, I felt like I didn't deserve to be able to say I'd given birth naturally, since it wasn't that painful. After this time, I definitely felt like I deserved a medal or something. It's been hard for me to think and talk about the birth, my mind naturally shies away from it because I find it so upsetting. I never got that wonderful birth high like after the others.

The upside is that Niall is just a complete sweetheart. He's so delicious and adorable, and pretty mellow. We had some rough patches (mainly at night) the first few days, but once we started supplementing him with the Lact-Aid, he began giving me a few good stretches of sleep at night. Plus he has great wake periods during the day where he just calmly looks around, making eye contact with us and giving us super cute gas smiles. The kids just adore him, especially Fiona. She could cuddle with him all day if I let her. Doug's been home this week so the kids have gotten plenty of attention, so I haven't really been expecting any jealousy to set in yet.. we'll see how this coming week goes. I'm pretty nervous about being home with four kids by myself, but I'm sure we'll manage.

I'll post again soon about Niall's doctor visits and how breastfeeding is going.

Another due date come and gone.. guess my uterus is just that nice and cozy, none of my babies ever want to leave. Mothering.com's forums has Due Date Clubs, and I've been participating in a thread called "League of Ladies Who Will Still Be Pregnant in 2016" - good for a laugh and good for a place to vent. I'm sure I've got the few ladies left beat, there's no way any of them will last longer than me.

This pregnancy has been pretty easy overall. Morning sickness wasn't been that bad, my blood pressure has been staying the same, no weird symptoms, smells, or fluids. Don't get me wrong, pregnancy is a pain in the ass, filled with inconveniences and aches and pains, but at least my miserableness has been within the range of normal. The only thing is that, while the first three kiddos never dropped *at all* until I was in labor, this little guy loves to burrow down super low, so that I'm in agony from my waist to my thighs. And then, just when I'm convinced that labor is *right* around the corner - because, really, who could stand this pain much longer? - he floats right back up, restoring my comfort and destroying my morale. Ahh, the things we put up with for our children..

Lauren, my new midwife is pretty cool. I think she'll be as hands off as she can be, which is a relief. We've discussed (and discussed) when I should call, how fast she can get there, etc.. and Doug has a nice little info sheet for what to do if she doesn't make it in time. A little redundant since he already handled that little emergency just fine, but he liked getting a cheat sheet. At the one prenatal he was able to attend (the homevisit), Lauren asked him to describe me in labor, and I couldn't believe how cool he made me out to be. I mean, super cool and tough. I think his memory might be a little faulty, but I can't blame him for having a high opinion of his wife. But the important thing is that he adequately conveyed the fact that I like to be left alone, to have quiet, and that I appreciate just being able to do my thing.

I really wish this baby would come along soon, though. I keep dreaming of him.. not of labor at all, but just dreams of our family as it will be once he's on the outside.. and it's so disappointing to wake up. I miss this baby that I've been dreaming about, and I just want to meet the real deal already, you know? I love being able to grow a baby, to feel him moving, to guess at his personality.. pregnancy is a pretty cool thing, annoyances aside. But I'm so ready to move on to the next part, it's driving me crazy.

The boys are getting antsy about it, too. I suspect this may have more to do with the fact that there's been an Amazon box of presents from baby to his big siblings sitting in my room for the past week.. but I know at least part of them wants to see what this little mystery baby is actually like. Fiona already pronounces his name quite well. At all of my prenatals, she stands by my head and holds my hand while I get checked out, and she's very interested in it. She'll tell us all over and over again how the baby is loud (when we hear his heartbeat through the Doppler), how we measure the baby with the tape, and so on. The other day Lauren let her play with this really cute prop from her childbirth class - it was a teeny little baby inside a mesh bag, complete with umbilical cord that could attach to the belly, which fit inside a plastic pelvis, all inside a drawstring bag. Fiona had so much fun taking the baby out, putting it back in, playing with all the parts.. she didn't have any idea what it all meant, but it was a really cute educational tool and I wish I'd had one to show the boys, too (they were busy playing Playmobil and couldn't be distracted).

Anyway.. I'm off to finish my nighttime routine. I've drank my three cups of Metamucil (the purpose of which is to ensure I have a good milk supply, weirdly enough), swallowed my nine nightly pills, and now it's time to start the endless trips to the bathroom, in between which I check on the children, make my tea, and set up my nest of pillows in bed. Next time I post, I'll hopefully have a fantastic birth story to share.

Two funnies from dinner tonight:

The boys often talk about who's beating (as in, finishing first) - it's all about racing with them. Colwyn was going on and on about how yummy dinner was and how he was going to beat everyone. Doug had already finished his food, so I pointed out to Colwyn that Daddy already beat. Then I felt bad kind of stealing Colwyn's thunder, so I said, "Well, Daddy's a grownup, so it's okay if he beats you, Colwyn." Doug and I burst out laughing when we realized how bad that sounded.

Shortly thereafter, Colwyn got up from the table, went into the living room, and removed his pants. I said, "Colwyn, why are you taking your pants off?" to which he responded, "Because they got delicious!"

Okay, well, my only trial and tribulation has nothing to do with this being pregnancy number four, but whatever.

Obviously, we plan on having this baby at home. I found the *perfect* midwife quite early in pregnancy, before we even told anyone we were expecting. I had an inkling that she'd be great when we were setting up the interview on the phone, and she said, "Oh, well, I'm dropping off donated breastmilk to a client of mine on Friday.." As it turned out, she had extensive experience with the same sort of breastfeeding issues I have. She knew what I was talking about right from the start, never doubted me and thought it was simple mismanagement. I was practically in tears as we shared our difficulties, because this was a complete first for me. As a bonus, she does prenatals in her clients' homes, is very hands-off and non-interventionist, and she also homeschools her own young boys (who are each a year older than my two). It seemed like a perfect match.

So, you can imagine how upset I was when she emailed me the day after Christmas (the day before a scheduled prenatal visit) to let me know that she just found out that she's pregnant, but has had frequent spotting, and needed discontinue care for all her clients. To say I was heartbroken would not be much of an exaggeration. I ended up interviewing a midwife in Newburyport who I got along with really well and who has a very similar philosophy as I do. My one hesitation is that she's only attended 10 births as a primary midwife, though she has been a doula for ten years. I'm not really expecting to need an uber-experienced midwife, so I'm sure it will work out fine. But I'm still grieving the loss of the postpartum support from my first midwife. I'm sure we'll still keep in touch, as we're both expecting to have major issues, but it won't be the same.

Otherwise, this pregnancy has been going really smoothly. I saw Dr. Chuderewicz for a while, and though she was still somewhat accepting of our plan to homebirth, she was more nervous as I'm approaching grand multip status. I explained why I felt that I'm not personally at more risk for more complications like postpartum hemorrhage, and she seemed to understand where I was coming from and maybe even agree. Which was definitely unlike her midwife (Nancy) I saw for my first prenatal.. she was a nutjob. We had the ultrasound through their office, though, and so I can go ahead with my plans to homebirth knowing that the baby looks great, structurally speaking. And we're thrilled to be expecting another boy!

No luck coming up with names, though I often refer to the baby as Niall (Nye-all). Doug's 'okay' with that name, but I think he'd prefer something else. I keep reminding him that he needs to actively come up with other names unless he wants Niall to stick, but he's not exactly putting in long hours with the baby name book. :) I also like Gannon, Gareth, and Gavin. Doug likes Eremon, but I can't picture us calling one of our kids Eremon, even though I like the name in theory.

The first few months of pregnancy, while exhausting and nausea-filled, went by really fast, with very little time to even feel pregnant. It's hard when you're as busy as we are in the fall and early winter, and when the baby's not even kicking noticeably, to really feel pregnant. Now he moves around like crazy, and it's even visible from the outside, so I'm definitely feeling it now. This is one of my favorite parts of pregnancy.. the stage where the baby's really active and I look more pregnant than just fat, but the major aches and pains of the third trimester haven't hit yet.

I'm still dreading breastfeeding, though. I'm taking 3 cups of Metamucil and 4 cups daily of RRL/alfalfa/nettle/red clover tea daily. Shatavari will start in a few more weeks. I'm going to start domperidone immediately after the birth, that first day. I may rent a pump a week or two before my due date and pump a few times daily, and pump as much as possible in the first week (after that, I'll return it, as pumping after the first week probably won't help me). I'm hoping it will have enough of an effect. It'll all be worth it if I can nurse exclusively, though I know that's extremely unlikely. I'm not looking forward to dealing with all that junk, and then having to supplement, too.

The boys kept playing this game called "Damn Fire Baby." Fiona was the Damn Fire Baby, and it involved lots of chasing.. not sure whether they chased her or the other way around.. impossible to tell. I was telling Doug about it one night at bedtime because even after a few weeks, he had somehow never witnessed this. We asked Colwyn and Lachlann where they came up with Damn Fire Baby, and their explanation was incoherent at best. I had the sudden bright idea that maybe it was supposed to be Vampire Baby, and was sure that I was right, but Colwyn gave me a look like I was the stupidest person in the world, then ran out to the hallway. "No, Mom, look! This kind of Damn Fire!" He was pointing to a picture of a campfire we have hanging on the wall. Well, okay, that makes a little more sense than Damn Fire, but why on earth would they think Fiona was a Campfire Baby? Colwyn launched into this hugely long explanation: "Well, there was a girl, and she showed the baby a picture of a triangle, and said, 'Triangle' then showed the baby a picture of a damn fire and said, 'Damn Fire' and then the baby turned into a damn fire! And the baby chased the girl all around, and the girl threw the baby into a bathtub, and then she sat there [he mimicked sitting with his head in his hands, rocking back and forth] and then the baby turned into a damn fire again and she sprayed it!" Obviously, I thought he'd gone totally round the bend.. until Doug said, "Wait a minute, are you thinking of the Incredibles?" We looked it up on YouTube and sure enough, there was a short film that was exactly what Colwyn had described.

We took the kids to the Museum of Science last weekend to see the Harry Potter exhibit. We read Sorcerer's Stone over the summer and Colwyn's been dying to see the exhibit. It was fantastic, btw, really well done, and Doug and I are hoping to get to go back without the kids. Not likely, but you never know. :) Anyway, the boys picked out toy wands for their souveniers and when we came home, they immediately started running all over the house, waving them vigorously. We started calling out suggestions for spells - "Lachlann, say 'Stupefy!'" and "Colwyn, say 'Petrificus Totalus!'" I tried to get Lachlann to use the disarming spell - 'Expelliarmus' - I said it nice and slow, very clearly. He thought for a moment, then flourished his wand and yelled, "Smelly Armpits!" That was the only spell they used for the rest of the evening.

In the car the other day, I made the mistake of trying to explain why employees at a company aren't allowed to ask or know how much money their fellow employees make. The boys just couldn't get it. The preceeding conversation went like this (after dropping Doug off at the train):

L: I hope Daddy makes lots and lots and lots of money!
M: Well, that's why he goes to work.
C: I bet at the end of the week, all the people will get together to find out who made the most money!
M: Actually..

So they wanted to know who made the most money in the whole company, and I said that in every company it's the boss who makes the most, but usually the people who work for the boss don't know how much exactly. That led to a conversation of who's the boss in our house. Then this exchange occurred:

M: So, does that mean that Daddy's like the President, and I'm like the Vice President?
L: No, Mommy, you're not the nice president, you're the beautiful president!

Holy cow, has it been a while.

Part of the reason I stopped posting (at least in the beginning) is that I'm pregnant, and I didn't want to talk about it until I knew everyone had been told properly. And since Doug took forever and an age.. well. :)

But, really, there's no good excuse. Just laziness and getting out of the habit. I could say that my New Year's Resolution is to write more (because I do like having a record of the kids' early years and what our life is like), but that would make it official and then I'd just be disappointed in myself when I fail.

So anyway. Life is crazy, of course. Our fall was busy with lots of homeschool group activities, fitting in as much outdoor time as possible before the cold weather hit. Now there's over a foot of snow on the ground. I'm trying to think of fall highlights, but oy..

Colwyn's 6th birthday went really well. We had a Star Wars theme, of course. I bought a few cheap plastic-y posters at the party store, as well as a 'Pin the Detonator on the Spaceship" game and burned a CD of Star Wars music to play. It was an afternoon party so we just served snacks instead of a meal, but I divided them up into Jedi Fuel (honeydew, spinach dip, pretzel sticks dipped in green chocolate, um.. some other things..) and Sith Snacks (watermelon and strawberries, salsa, pretzel sticks dipped in red chocolate, and a few other things). When the kids showed up, they each got a felt Jedi tunic and rope belt, and a 'training' light saber made out of pipe insulation. They horsed around for a while, then I showed them all the snack table and warned them that if they had too many Sith Snacks, they might turn to the Dark Side. We did a Jedi training obstacle course downstairs, they did the detonator-spaceship game, then were awarded Jedi Knight Certificates. After the last kid got his certificate, Darth Vader's music came on and Doug, dressed as Vader, came down the hallway. The kids attacked him and beat him into submission, which was really fun to watch. :) The rest of the party was cake, ice cream, presents, and free play.

Halloween and Thanksgiving were fun, as usual. Nothing out of the ordinary, but comforting rituals anyway. Like I'd said in September, this Xmas was a handmade holiday, and I crafted a hell of a lot in preparation. It was fun, and I was pleased to be able to give handmade gifts to several people (though mainly the children). I'm taking a break from crafting for right now, though I do have several things I'd like to do before the new baby comes.

We had a great Solstice celebration this year. I'd been getting really annoyed at the commercial aspects of Xmas, and tired of our real winter celebration getting overshadowed by the Big Guy in Red. So on Solstice Eve, Doug made a delicious beef stew, complete with homemade noodles that the kids help make. Then we decorated sun cookies and set up a huge (though saggy) fort in the living room. We told stories, read books, and played fairly late, then set out offerings on our altar before heading to bed. After the kids were sound asleep, Doug and I created 'fairy mischief.' I drew a Fairy Door on the fireplace in chalk, then we stacked soda cans in the living room, created a tower of toys, hung about half the picture frames in our hallway upside down, made a toilet paper pyramid, stuck Colwyn's tooth brushes (which have suction cup bottoms) to the wall instead of the bathroom counter), put an armful of socks in the fridge, decorated a bag of flour and box of cereal with pom-poms and pipe cleaners to make faces, then set them on the couch where the boys sit in the morning, and put a chair on top of the dining room table, on which I set up the little gnomes I'd crafted as a present from the fairies. We also put some wood animals (bear, wolf, reindeer, etc) in the cabinet with the pots and pans, as another gift from the fairies. The kids were amazed when they woke up, and really got a kick out of all the mischief the fairies caused. Later that morning, we donated some food and toys to needy families, which Colwyn (in particular) was very proud of.

Christmas went really well, too. The kids got some great presents, including lots of Lego sets, Star Wars books, (homemade) Jedi robes, playmats and pockets for their bunkbeds for the boys, and Fiona got a lovely custom Waldorf doll, a wood cradle bought off Etsy, and I made her a diaper bag, wipes case, and diaper, a blanket and pillow to go in the cradle, the little fabric house and animals, and a Red Riding Hood cape (supplies bought by Mom, but made by me). They got lots of other wonderful gifts from our extended family, too. Mom did go overboard, but everyone else was pretty reasonable, which made the holiday even nicer. The most random big hits: the bunkbed pockets, bathrobes, and a baby doll that sounds just like Chewbacca.

The kids are all doing really well in general. Colwyn is reading above grade level. He's opening up more at our homeschool groups, which is a relief to me. He still loves Star Wars, but takes breaks from SW to play with his Indiana Jones Legos, to draw, and to look through books. Lachlann more or less does the same, plus he loves swinging from the rings we have hanging from the ceiling. Fiona engages in a lot of pretend play with her dolls. She got a tea set that she likes to set up and serve us with, but she also plays with the toy cars a lot and even joins in the boys' light saber battles sometimes. Her language is coming on really well, she's constantly surprising us with new words. It's becoming less and less common that she tries telling me something I can't understand. She's much more sociable than the boys.. when we go to our homeschool group events, she loves cuddling with the other moms (Jen and Dani in particular), even if I'm not busy or anything.

The kids have been coming up with some really funny things lately, which is what prompted me to start posting again. However, it's now 10:36pm and I want to get to bed. So that post will have to be for tomorrow. :)

I'll admit it.. I'm already looking ahead to Christmas. I'm not totally crazy, though.. I want to give a lot of handmade gifts this year, and that requires both planning and time! I think I know what I want to make for Fiona. I was inspired by this fabric dollhouse. I'm going to use funkier fabrics and make a bunch of little felt animals to live inside. I made an adorable (if I do say so myself) blue jay Christmas ornament last year that inspired that part. I'm planning another blue jay, a horse, cow, pig, goat, and chicken. Maybe more if I have time. Can't wait to get started. :) I also suggested to Mom that she make Fiona a tu-tu and a Red Riding Hood cape, and I might try to make her a little apron (she likes the boys', but they're HUGE).

I also got some cute, cheap teacups at Savers and plan to make them into candles. I don't know if my aunts and grandmother will think they're too cheapskate, but whatever. I also like the idea of making either vanilla or lemon vodka. I bet I could find a few people to give that to.

I have no idea what to make the boys or anyone else. Ideas?

Well, we're definitely enjoying the cooler weather here. My house hasn't looked this clean all summer. The kids do miss swimming, though.. they ask to go in the pool every afternoon, but it's barely made it out of the 70s at all in the past two weeks. Usually September has some hot days, but we haven't seen any yet (not that I'm complaining).

Our homeschool stuff is gearing up and we're getting pretty busy, but it's nice to get back into the swing of things. Our summer was pretty lazy, aside from the craziness of family visiting.

Colwyn's been having some weird mood swings lately, so Doug and I decided to make more of an effort to make sure the boys both get one-on-one time on the weekends. Last weekend, Doug took Lachlann to Halibut Point and I took Colwyn to Hammond Castle. It was really nice, and I'd kind of forgotten how much I enjoy doing one-on-one stuff. I'm not sure if we'll manage it this weekend, since we're pretty busy, but we'll try.

The elementary school near us has a new playground, and we've gone a few times. The kids really like it there, but they get frustrated that we have to wait until school is out to go. Why is it that their favorite playgrounds are all at school? The poor kids..

Fiona had her 15 month physical the other day and she screamed the whole entire time. Totally normal, but really irritating. She's 20 lbs and 30 inches, which puts her at the 10th percentile for weight and the 30th for height.